Too much irony on the field penalty costs Roughriders Grey Cup

CALGARY - The Saskatchewan Roughriders blew their shot at winning the 97th Grey Cup after being penalized for a staggering, unimaginable amount of irony on the field Sunday.

"After months of going on about '13th man this' and '13th man that' they have 13 men on the field during the dying seconds of the game?" asked referee Glen Johnson.

"I'm sorry but that jaw-dropping amount of irony is a 10-yard penalty."

The flag, which linguists confirmed was a direct reversal of intention and expectation, allowed dumbfounded Montreal Alouettes to win the game and bewilderingly accept the Cup.

"This a little weird," said Montreal's David Duval, who after the penalty connected on his second try for a game-winning field goal.

"I played terribly the whole game. At one point I punted for seven yards. Seven yards! And yet due to the other team screwing up I'm somehow the big hero.

"Huh. I guess that is pretty ironic."

The bizarre finish was a delight to fans, as the televised broadcast received the highest ratings for any Grey Cup game.

"I tuned in after smoking a couple joints and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why the Steelers and Ravens were wearing such funny colours. Or why they kept not going for it on third down, that just seemed overly cautious to me" said Brent Smuckley of Oromocto, New Brunswick.

"It wasn't until after that crazy finish that I realized I'd inadvertantly watched a CFL game. Who knew such a thing could be entertaining?"

CFL analysts agree this is the most ironic Grey Cup finish since the Hamilton Tiger Cats lost to Saskatchewan in 1980 after a live tiger cat ran onto the field and killed Hamilton quarterback Mike Kerrigan.

Guardian Angels did not make a difference

Amongst headlines I never thought I'd read, "Guardian Angels made a difference" ranks somewhere between "Black man becomes president" and "Screech sex tape leaked."

Finding new column topics every second day would be tough so maybe I should cut Chronicle Herald columnit Marilla "the thrilla" Stephenson some slack. Then again, at a press conference last week she unsuccessfully tried to cut off The Coast's Bruce Wark by jumping in during the two-second pause between Wark asking a question and Premier Darrell Dexter answering him.

That's a pretty huge breach of interview decorum, so for her rudeness I figured it's worth mocking her ridiculous November 24 column. Italics are mine.

Guardian Angels made a difference
by Marilla Stephenson

THE GUARDIAN ANGELS came to Halifax in an effort to help make our streets safer. But they’re dying a slow death from, among other things, a lack of bureaucratic backing and limited public interest.

Do we really need a citizens-on-patrol organization?

There is no question that at the time when the Guardian Angels decided to come to town, Haligonians were demanding better from city leaders and the police in terms of public safety. We can give the Angels credit for stepping in to try to fill the gap.

We know things were bad because that was the summer the Herald ran a huge front page headline decrying Halifax as Canada's most dangerous city. Of course it turns out that didn't come from crime stats but rather a years-old 'victimization study' that polled people on whether they've felt victimized. Of course, newer versions of the exact same poll no longer ranked Halifax first, but that was never mentioned. After the mayor and police complained to the Herald for, uh, lying, they printed a small "clarification" citing the old study and never mentioning it was out of date.

The New York City-based organization, run by founder Curtis Sliwa, operates in many cities around North America and beyond. But Sliwa found an unusual situation upon his arrival in Halifax in 2008.

"In most countries, there’s a positive working relationship with the police," he told The Chronicle Herald at a graduating ceremony for new recruits 18 months ago. "Halifax is the exception."

This was proven untrue in numerous articles. While the Angels work with police in some areas, Halifax is by no means an exception. The slightest bit of fact checking would have cleared this up, Marilla. If you're not careful you'll get promoted to headline writer.

There were only eight recruits who graduated that day. One year later, instead of expanding, the group was down to four regular members.

Last week, Sliwa told The Chronicle Herald that there were just three members remaining.

That’s the bare minimum to mount a single patrol, which now happens once a week at the most. They focus on the Halifax Commons and the Uniacke Square area.

To reiterate - there are only three people willing to dress themselves up in bright red and walk unarmed through the Commons and Uniacke Square at night and this is... a bad thing?

"Obviously, at some point, we’ve got to increase our numbers," said Sliwa.

He reiterated that a lack of backing from the police has made it difficult to recruit new members.

So police aren't encouraging people to dress in red and walk unarmed through the Commons and Uniacke Square at night and this is... a bad thing?

About 20 people turned out for the first meeting two years ago, with a dozen later signing on to join the group. But they had to undertake training at their own cost and on their own time and then be available for rotating patrols.

Why has the citizens-on-patrol movement found so little support in this city? Is it a lack of things to do, lack of commitment or safety concerns? Whatever the reason, there is no question that the initial sizzle associated with the Guardian Angels has petered out.

Well not doing something because you don't have much to do doesn't make sense so we can rule that one out. Lack of commitment is what you're discussing so it can't be its own cause. That just leaves safety concerns. Hooray for problem solving!

Linda Mosher, a Halifax regional councillor, was a primary backer of Sliwa’s group when they first sought support to set up shop in Halifax.

"I really believe that our policing is better now. I mean, we’ve got more bodies on the force and more (police officers) on the street, and those type of swarming issues and things are not as prominent."

Whether it was the high-profile crimes of two years ago or the push to get more officers onto the streets, there is no question that public safety, particularly in certain communities, was high on the minds of residents when the Guardian Angels came to town.

Yeah, Marilla likes to state the obvious and reiterate old news. Feel free to skim.

During the peak of the outcry, the media was blamed for sensationalizing recent cases, while police officials insisted crime rates hadn’t changed much.

Then the report of the mayor’s task force on crime arrived in May 2008.

Dalhousie University professor Don Clairmont told city councillors, in no uncertain terms, that the problem "isn’t a figment of people’s imaginations."

See? We weren't being sensationalist, guys. In hindsight that headline in big, red ink about us being the most dangerous city in Canada showed remarkable restraint.

He called on the city to play a more prominent role in matters of public safety and security, and chastised council for not doing more to stem the impact of crime on the city.

"In my mind, there is no doubt that there is clearly a problem of violence and public safety in HRM," Clairmont said when he presented his report. "The evidence is overwhelming."

He also dismissed the role that the Guardian Angels might play, saying they would provide, at best, "an ineffective solution."

And perhaps he was right. While the Guardian Angels can supplement policing efforts, especially if they work in co-operation with the police, they cannot replace the police.

In other news, wearing a white coat does not qualify you to perform heart surgery and putting a band-aid on your face doesn't give you the power to rap.

But let’s give credit where credit is due: The arrival of the local Guardian Angels chapter helped bring additional attention to public-safety issues and put additional pressure on Halifax Regional Police. Thanks, in part, to additional federal and provincial funding, there are new officers on the force and a returned focus to street patrols.

But, but, you just spent half your column explaining how everyone was freaking out about public safety. The Angels should get credit for shining attention on something everyone was already paying attention to? That's like commending someone for highlighting 9/11.

An effort to get cheap liquor off the menu at downtown bars may also be helping to restore order.

Yes, but at what cost? God I miss being able to get drunk for six bucks.

So, for now, the disturbing crime headlines are off the front pages.

Psst. Marilla... there's been a huge spike in shootings over the last year. Admittedly, a good chunk of those happened in Preston and other places where black people live. Hardly front page worthy. Call me when someone gets stabbed downtown.

But, at some point, there is likely to be another flurry of high-profile cases that leave residents questioning the safety of our streets and wondering whether more might be done.

Don’t expect help to arrive from the Guardian Angels. Next time, we’ll be on our own.

Wait, are we talking about the Guardian Angels or Batman? Because the ending here is clearly referencing Batman.

The worst thing about this column is it's based on utter fiction. Patrols once a week? Bullshit. I have never heard of a single person seeing an Angels patrol. For all we know there may have only been one patrol - the first one when Sliwa came to Halifax.

I was there for that walk, as was every other media outlet in the city except for the Chronicle Herald. The Herald chose to interview Sliwa afterwards and printed an untrue story about the Angels going to Uniacke Square (never happened, they stuck to downtown).

I'd bet there hasn't been a single Angels patrol since 2007. I'd bet they never once stepped foot in Uniacke Square. Somehow I think we'll survive without them because they were never actually here. You owe your readers an apology, Marilla. But most importantly, you owe Bruce Wark an apology.