Election Update: Ah, crap

[Writer's note - Usually while writing these posts I sip some whiskey for inspiration but recently I acquired a miserable bastard of a bacterial infection in my foot so today is different. Half of this post was written under the influence of a powerful and legal-but-not-technically-prescribed-to-me-per-se painkiller medication so I really can't speak to any typos and/or general weirdness.]

Dear friends,

Well, it's been over two weeks now since MC Loud's All Night Dance Party kicked off its campaign, and suffice to say it has so far been an unmitigated disaster.

First it was revealed our candidate in Oshawa was actually just a fake name made up by some punk kid. Then our candidate in Fredericton had to withdraw when it became pretty clear he was dead, with our candidate in Fundy Royal serving a life sentence for his murder.

Our guy in Brampton turned out to be a seperatist, which we probably should have asked beforehand but, you know, it was Brampton, while our candidate in Vancouver Centre fell pray to illicit cooking substances and was busted as part of a cumin smuggling ring.

I myself became mired in controversy when that damned Steve Maher stole my tape recorder and published several embarrassingly candid conversations.

I said some unforgiveable things about left-handed people and for that I whole-heartedly apologize. And anyway, in some circles "sub-human" is used as a term of endearment.

Seeking traction, we trotted out a series of promises we thought would grab headlines - annexing Greenland, changing the title of 'Prime Minister' to 'Optimus Prime Minister', naked tuesdays. But research shows that most voters are still unaware that we exist.

It hasn't been all bad. We still have the coolest party name and polls show we're tied with the Bloc in nine of ten provinces. But still, it's clear we needed a wedge issue. Well now we've got one: Democracy.

Basically, we're against it. You maybe thinking, 'but that's not a wedge position at all. Every party is kind of anti-democracy.

And that's true. Every election begins witht the parties wildly alleging that this unfortunate turn of events is the other side's fault with such unsettling vigour that you kind of feel like our 308 MPs were all sealed in an elevator and tasked with figuring out who farted.

It's all but consensus that a multi-party government that represents a majority of voters is not only less democratic than a single-party government that represents a minority, it's a heresy akin to spitting on the queen.

And thanks to our first-past-the-post-fuck-second system, only voters in swing ridings really have the power to determine government (and then, only some swing ridings. A Bloc-NDP race is important and all but has no bearing on who will be PM [or at least it never did until this election turned a wonky shade of mustachioed orange.])

But despite all of this, the other parties still go on and on praising democracy, which, frankly, is a little irresponsible. Half the world is turning itself inside out fighting for the right to vote long after us Westerners have learned that democracy is just like any shiny new toy - flat-out bitchin at first but once you've had it for a while you get bored with it and eventually don't even want to bother.

We know that 40% or so of citizens agree with us, we just need to win them over. Admittedly, getting the anti-voting demographic to vote to reaffirm their anti-voting bias is one dilly of a pickle. But luckily we've got our Edmonton candidate Seymour Butts on the job of figuring it out.

Canadians: I'm Your Man

Can you smell it? That strange scent in the air? That's the smell of excitement. Normally excitement isn't something that can be detected by your olfactory system, but today is different.

Today all the rules are broken.

When I say "Canadian politics" what do you think of? If you're like most Canadians, you think of killing yourself. But what if there was a way to genuinely enjoy politics without having to be one of those douchebags you see on Newsworld?

Well now there's a way to damn the status quo. What do we need? One word: Metamorphosis! ("Change" was taken.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I come here today to offer you this metamorphosis.

We currently suffer the choice between a Russian-sounding guy trying to act Canadian, a Canadian-sounding guy trying to act Russian, and a bald guy trying to act like he can win.

But now you have a real option. Today I present to you the newest political party to enter the scene:

MC Loud's All-Night Dance Party

MC Loud's All Night Dance Party is brimming with new ideas, while also harkening back to the old-school days when Conservatives were conservative, Liberals were liberal and New Democrats were new.

My opponents, when they're not too busy littering or torturing cats, will tell you that that there are only two choices in this election. But we here at MC Loud's All-Night Dance Party think you'll spit on anyone who tells you that after you get a load of our platform.

On National Unity

We believe that Quebec should have the power to decide its own destiny and form a distinct country if its people so choose. That said, Canada also has a right to maintain its cool province to uncool province ratio.

If elected, we will reform the constitution so that in the event of separation Quebec will have to take one of the lame provinces, like New Brunswick, with it. MC Loud's All-Night Dance Party realizes that while this may seem kind of tempting, it is on the whole undesirable. Thus we will undertake a series of unity-building exercises. Birch trees will be bulldozed and replaced with maples. Molson Canadian will be forced to taste better or change its name.

On Debates

Green Party Leader Elizabeth May must have been popular in high school as she sure is bad at being unpopular. There's nothing more pathetic than begging others to pay attention to you, so we here at MC Loud's All-Night Dance Party have rejected taking part in any leaders debate even before receiving an offer. We've got plans that day.

That said, I'd like to formally challenge my opponents to a leaders knife fight at their earliest convenience.

On the Environment

Remember the environment? Remember, like, one election ago when it was actually a big deal? Well we plan to bring it back to the forefront. Now, the last guy who did this got massacred on election day so we can't go too crazy here, but suffice to say we pledge to do something. Something that will make the environment better. It will likely involve carbon.

And while our slate of candidates may not exactly be full of doctors or scientists or people who can read, I think even our opponents would have to admit it's not going to take much to lead on this issue.

On Profiling People and then Banning Them From Your Rallies

We promise to always do the decent thing and friend you on Facebook before we creep your profile and add you to our database of enemies.

Stay tuned, voters. We'll continue to roll out our platform as we come up with it over the coming days. In the meantime, remember to vote MC Loud's All-Night Dance Party - for metamorphosis we can believe in.