We live in a lawless toast society

I wasn't expecting to be enlightened when I picked up the new issue of MacLean's magazine. The cover story was on "the abortion debate we're afraid to have." I'd already escaped the womb and don't have one myself, so I didn't think it would affect me much.

But reading the story I realized something striking - Canada is in desperate need of new toast laws.

Now the story by Andrew Coyne - widely seen as Canada's Hemingway - doesn't specifically address toast. Coyne is more of a dead fetuses kind of guy. But he does go into the "extraordinary fact" that "this country still has no abortion law of any kind." Coyne concludes that "when it comes to abortion, we are literally a lawless society."

Fuck!

And it's not just abortion that's a lawless wasteland. It also applies to something I hold dear - delicious toast. I checked and nowhere in the criminal code is there any law permitting us to make or eat toast. That's right, friends, eating toast is not legal in Canada. Rather, it is, in the words of Coyne, "merely not unlawful."

In fact, all of our laws are too negative, only telling us what not to do. It's always "don't rape people," or "we'll arrest you for peeing in public." We need more laws telling us what we can do.

Where's the law saying "It is OK to heat bread until it is crispy and delicious, smear condiments on it and eat that motha"? It is time to shed light on this legal gray zone.

We, as a society, need to discuss this issue. While most would agree it's reasonable to toast white or whole wheat bread, some people toast everything from banana bread to rye bread. Rye bread! And I'm not coming down one way or another on the toaster/toaster oven issue. I'm just saying it's time we have that nation-wide debate.

Clearly we're afraid to talk about toast. Coyne explains we're afraid to debate abortion, and that's an issue you see insessantly on tv, print, radio and the internet. So if that's afraid, imagine how horrified we are of debating toast.

Also, there's more at stake. Coyne goes on and on about our lack of late-term abortion laws before admitting 99 per cent of abortions take place in the first 20 weeks. How many pieces of bread make it all the way to the burnt phase, only to be cruelly discarded in favour of some other snack. Without discussion, we may never know.

So thank you, Coyne and MacLean's, for reminding us that just because something's not illegal, that doesn't make it legal.