The column that (may or may not have) got me fired as a columnist

Today is Friday and some of you may notice something is missing. About eight months ago my paper got me to start writing a weekly column called Urban Compass. Topics varied but it mostly involved me telling readers which direction was north. I really hated that name.

However the column has come to an end. I've been told by the higher ups in Toronto that from now on the only people who will now have access to my unbridled rants are those who happen to be within earshot, or I guess read this blog.

It all started a couple weeks back during pride week when I wrote a column on how to make Halifax more gay. Though the reader feedback was very pretty positive, I was told it was "too close to the line" and a couple days later informed I wouldn't be writing a column anymore.

However I was told it was because they don't want reporters writing columns because of conflict of interest concerns, not because of the gay column itself. So perhaps the timing was just a coincidence. Either way, this means all my loyal fans (Jill, Nancy) will no longer get their UC fix every Friday.

The column itself has been scrubbed from the website and I've had a few requests to actually see it, so I thought I'd post it here. Enjoy:



With its phallic lighthouses, fondness for sailors and propensity for dressing tugboats up as men, it’s safe to say Halifax is pretty gay.

But it could be gayer.

Despite all the progress being celebrated now during Pride Week, I still know some people who live in this comparably gay-friendly city that don’t want to come out of the closet.

No one should have to live a lie, so perhaps we should do more. There are enough boring straight cities in the world – I’m looking at you, Moncton – so why not make Halifax a real gay icon? Here are some suggestions:

More kilts – Wearing a kilt is the closest a guy can get to cross-dressing without people wondering if they should address him as madam. Why not get everyone in on the fun with special kilt-themed days months.

This works particularly well because it’s subversively gay. Just package it under the guise of Scottish culture and even the staunchest of conservatives will want to feel the breeze.

Downsides – windy days.

Kiss and make up – This one has the extra benefit of also helping to fix our divided political system. After every heated legislature session the leaders of all parties should have to hug it out.

Just imagine how all the anger and vitriol of politics would melt away when Premier Darrell Dexter buries his head into opposition leader Stephen McNeil’s shoulder (or midriff, the guy is like 100 feet tall.)

Note that this would actually be slightly straighter than normal at the moment because Tory interim leader Karen Casey is a female. But this is Nova Scotia so before long all three parties should be run by middle-aged white guys.

Downsides – tear stains expensive to dry clean.

Paint the bridges rainbow coloured – Impractical? Only to those who lack imagination.

Our bridges’ current colour schemes of patchy, camouflage green can at best be described as only somewhat gay. Imagine how famous the bridges would be if we made them icons of pride and unity.

Plus bridges are actually shaped like rainbows, so it’s really a no-brainer. Of course the names MacDonald and MacKay would have to be jazzed up. Perhaps something like Macsamesexmarriage Bridge, or simply The Cher Bridge

Possible downside – increased chance of unsuspecting foreign ships crash into bridge supports; confused leprechauns.

Remove the ‘l’ from the Clock Tower on Citadel Hill – because why not?

Downsides: none.