RE: Five things I hate about my cell phone

Unlike Paul I think my phone is pretty good. I’ve had it for a bit longer than two years. It’s some kind of Nokia. It’s coolest feature is the clear panel on the backside of the phone that allows you to personalize the back of your phone. I cut out a clip from the New York Times that reads, “police chief in Ka…uicide vest had com….15 pounds of high e…was studded with ball…shot th…crowd…e the slaughter,” and so on. The phone also records sound pretty well, which is why my ring tone has been the intro to MIA’s “Pull Up the People.”

But also, little miss Nokia pisses me off to no end. A pretty good cell phone is like finding out you only have prostate cancer. Sure it’s not pancreatic cancer, but it’s no bouquet of roses either.

And so, my top 5 reasons why I hate my cell phone.

5) Texting. Since my monthly income is at a dismal negative $200, I can’t really afford daytime minutes. As a result, I am forced to text, but it's impossible to write a text message without staring at your phone and looking like a mouth-breathing douche bag. And I hate myself for having to look like a dick.

4) Menu button. For some reason the menu button on my phone is in the middle of a small d-pad button. Yeah, that makes sense, let’s put this crucial button in the most unpressable spot. Every time I try to push menu (either to unlock my phone, send a message, view my call list, every other crucial function a phone can do) I either hit up, down, left, or right. This button is also impossible when drunk. Is it too much to ask for a drunkard friendly cell phone?

3) The hell that was switching my plan over from Nova Scotia to Ontario. I called Rogers, and a 50-year-old woman with a thick Eastern European accent was perplexed by question to change my number.Really? Becasue you’d think this was a question pops up regularly. That phone call concluded with telling me that such a switch was impossible without canceling my plan for a cool $200. Two trips to the local Rogers store and two more phone calls, I finally had a new number without costing me a cent. That is if you don’t count the five days I wasted dealing with them.

2) Broken/falling apart. The plastic faceplate has broken off, so now, my ear presses directly against the warm display screen, making any call unbearable. Beyond the frustrating warm display, the lack of faceplate means the corners and edges of the phone dig into my ear as well. At least Paul’s phone doesn’t hurt to use.

1) I can’t get a new one because it’d be some stupid high tech flip phone that’d make me feel like even more of jack ass, or it’d be some pile of shit like Paul’s. Rather than shit more money into a new cell phone I’m going to wait to see what the 21^st century has to offer. There’s gotta be something better than a cell phone, and one day it’ll be affordable for bums like you and me. Until then I’m stuck with my shit-tastic Nokia.