Don't fear the iReaper

I was talking to my coworker Alison about the movie Avatar today and she mentioned an interesting quote from Dave Howlett of Strange Adventures, which was " Why is it so many movies that require great leaps forward in technology to be realized usually end up having an anti-technology message?"

It's a good point. The Terminator franchise, The Matrix, Star Wars, Minority Report, Jurassic Park, I, Robot and the TV show Battlestar Galactica all use state-of-the-art technology to warn as about the dangers of state-of-the-art technology. The Transformer movies kind of count, though they're also anti-human in that I wanted everyone onscreen to die.

But aside from the searing hypocrisy, the problem with these movies is they get it all backward. I'm not worried about machines forcibly harvesting my organs, traveling through time to kill my grandchildren or framing me for murder. But what I can see is people paying money to download iPhone apps that do all of those things.

See, Hollywood, robots aren't the bad guys. We want to be enslaved by machines. We've already ground our economy to a halt through incessant facebook checking, embraced 1984-style newspeak by condensing all our thoughts into 140 characters or less and sacrificed all social decorum.

Take the Globe and Mail story this year about Conservative MP Rick Dykstra. Liberals accused him of texting during a Remembrance Day ceremony when photos surfaced of him playing with his phone at the service.

Dykstra swore it was all a misunderstanding and said he was actually live blogging the ceremony, as if that wasn't much, much worse.

Must... inform... masses...

To recap: Our elected politicians are attending ceremonies honouring veterans who fought for us to have the freedom to ignore those same veterans at said ceremonies and instead type up internet posts for people craving up-to-the-second Remembrance Day updates without actually going near old people.

Dykstra and his ilk will be first against the wall when the Google Apocalypse (or Wikipocalypse, iPocalypose, WiiPocalypse, Microsoft Intel quad core apocalypse, take your pick) hits.

If Hollywood wanted to be truly scary it shouldn't bother with the clichéd stories of robots committing evil deeds like imprisoning humanity or befriending Shia Laboeuf. Just show what would actually happen. Give us a scene where the Avatar guy pauses to marvel at the incredible 3D special effects and is mauled to death by a space rhinoceros. Show the machines luring Neo back into the Matrix with promises of unlimited minsesweeper, or have him die when he pauses to send a text message before using one of those phone portal things to escape.

"My twitter followers are not going to believe this."

Your heavy-handed pleas are falling on deaf ears, movie makers. Next time just show us some hover craft battles, cast Will Smith as the lead and leave out the preaching.

As James Cameron has proven, there are things people care about far more than being lectured on their technology use. To quote my amigo Glen Matthews' review of Avatar: "3 hours of naked alien humanoids running around and not one nipple slip? Thumbs down."

Too much irony on the field penalty costs Roughriders Grey Cup

CALGARY - The Saskatchewan Roughriders blew their shot at winning the 97th Grey Cup after being penalized for a staggering, unimaginable amount of irony on the field Sunday.

"After months of going on about '13th man this' and '13th man that' they have 13 men on the field during the dying seconds of the game?" asked referee Glen Johnson.

"I'm sorry but that jaw-dropping amount of irony is a 10-yard penalty."

The flag, which linguists confirmed was a direct reversal of intention and expectation, allowed dumbfounded Montreal Alouettes to win the game and bewilderingly accept the Cup.

"This a little weird," said Montreal's David Duval, who after the penalty connected on his second try for a game-winning field goal.

"I played terribly the whole game. At one point I punted for seven yards. Seven yards! And yet due to the other team screwing up I'm somehow the big hero.

"Huh. I guess that is pretty ironic."

The bizarre finish was a delight to fans, as the televised broadcast received the highest ratings for any Grey Cup game.

"I tuned in after smoking a couple joints and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why the Steelers and Ravens were wearing such funny colours. Or why they kept not going for it on third down, that just seemed overly cautious to me" said Brent Smuckley of Oromocto, New Brunswick.

"It wasn't until after that crazy finish that I realized I'd inadvertantly watched a CFL game. Who knew such a thing could be entertaining?"

CFL analysts agree this is the most ironic Grey Cup finish since the Hamilton Tiger Cats lost to Saskatchewan in 1980 after a live tiger cat ran onto the field and killed Hamilton quarterback Mike Kerrigan.

Guardian Angels did not make a difference

Amongst headlines I never thought I'd read, "Guardian Angels made a difference" ranks somewhere between "Black man becomes president" and "Screech sex tape leaked."

Finding new column topics every second day would be tough so maybe I should cut Chronicle Herald columnit Marilla "the thrilla" Stephenson some slack. Then again, at a press conference last week she unsuccessfully tried to cut off The Coast's Bruce Wark by jumping in during the two-second pause between Wark asking a question and Premier Darrell Dexter answering him.

That's a pretty huge breach of interview decorum, so for her rudeness I figured it's worth mocking her ridiculous November 24 column. Italics are mine.

Guardian Angels made a difference
by Marilla Stephenson

THE GUARDIAN ANGELS came to Halifax in an effort to help make our streets safer. But they’re dying a slow death from, among other things, a lack of bureaucratic backing and limited public interest.

Do we really need a citizens-on-patrol organization?

There is no question that at the time when the Guardian Angels decided to come to town, Haligonians were demanding better from city leaders and the police in terms of public safety. We can give the Angels credit for stepping in to try to fill the gap.

We know things were bad because that was the summer the Herald ran a huge front page headline decrying Halifax as Canada's most dangerous city. Of course it turns out that didn't come from crime stats but rather a years-old 'victimization study' that polled people on whether they've felt victimized. Of course, newer versions of the exact same poll no longer ranked Halifax first, but that was never mentioned. After the mayor and police complained to the Herald for, uh, lying, they printed a small "clarification" citing the old study and never mentioning it was out of date.

The New York City-based organization, run by founder Curtis Sliwa, operates in many cities around North America and beyond. But Sliwa found an unusual situation upon his arrival in Halifax in 2008.

"In most countries, there’s a positive working relationship with the police," he told The Chronicle Herald at a graduating ceremony for new recruits 18 months ago. "Halifax is the exception."

This was proven untrue in numerous articles. While the Angels work with police in some areas, Halifax is by no means an exception. The slightest bit of fact checking would have cleared this up, Marilla. If you're not careful you'll get promoted to headline writer.

There were only eight recruits who graduated that day. One year later, instead of expanding, the group was down to four regular members.

Last week, Sliwa told The Chronicle Herald that there were just three members remaining.

That’s the bare minimum to mount a single patrol, which now happens once a week at the most. They focus on the Halifax Commons and the Uniacke Square area.

To reiterate - there are only three people willing to dress themselves up in bright red and walk unarmed through the Commons and Uniacke Square at night and this is... a bad thing?

"Obviously, at some point, we’ve got to increase our numbers," said Sliwa.

He reiterated that a lack of backing from the police has made it difficult to recruit new members.

So police aren't encouraging people to dress in red and walk unarmed through the Commons and Uniacke Square at night and this is... a bad thing?

About 20 people turned out for the first meeting two years ago, with a dozen later signing on to join the group. But they had to undertake training at their own cost and on their own time and then be available for rotating patrols.

Why has the citizens-on-patrol movement found so little support in this city? Is it a lack of things to do, lack of commitment or safety concerns? Whatever the reason, there is no question that the initial sizzle associated with the Guardian Angels has petered out.

Well not doing something because you don't have much to do doesn't make sense so we can rule that one out. Lack of commitment is what you're discussing so it can't be its own cause. That just leaves safety concerns. Hooray for problem solving!

Linda Mosher, a Halifax regional councillor, was a primary backer of Sliwa’s group when they first sought support to set up shop in Halifax.

"I really believe that our policing is better now. I mean, we’ve got more bodies on the force and more (police officers) on the street, and those type of swarming issues and things are not as prominent."

Whether it was the high-profile crimes of two years ago or the push to get more officers onto the streets, there is no question that public safety, particularly in certain communities, was high on the minds of residents when the Guardian Angels came to town.

Yeah, Marilla likes to state the obvious and reiterate old news. Feel free to skim.

During the peak of the outcry, the media was blamed for sensationalizing recent cases, while police officials insisted crime rates hadn’t changed much.

Then the report of the mayor’s task force on crime arrived in May 2008.

Dalhousie University professor Don Clairmont told city councillors, in no uncertain terms, that the problem "isn’t a figment of people’s imaginations."

See? We weren't being sensationalist, guys. In hindsight that headline in big, red ink about us being the most dangerous city in Canada showed remarkable restraint.

He called on the city to play a more prominent role in matters of public safety and security, and chastised council for not doing more to stem the impact of crime on the city.

"In my mind, there is no doubt that there is clearly a problem of violence and public safety in HRM," Clairmont said when he presented his report. "The evidence is overwhelming."

He also dismissed the role that the Guardian Angels might play, saying they would provide, at best, "an ineffective solution."

And perhaps he was right. While the Guardian Angels can supplement policing efforts, especially if they work in co-operation with the police, they cannot replace the police.

In other news, wearing a white coat does not qualify you to perform heart surgery and putting a band-aid on your face doesn't give you the power to rap.

But let’s give credit where credit is due: The arrival of the local Guardian Angels chapter helped bring additional attention to public-safety issues and put additional pressure on Halifax Regional Police. Thanks, in part, to additional federal and provincial funding, there are new officers on the force and a returned focus to street patrols.

But, but, you just spent half your column explaining how everyone was freaking out about public safety. The Angels should get credit for shining attention on something everyone was already paying attention to? That's like commending someone for highlighting 9/11.

An effort to get cheap liquor off the menu at downtown bars may also be helping to restore order.

Yes, but at what cost? God I miss being able to get drunk for six bucks.

So, for now, the disturbing crime headlines are off the front pages.

Psst. Marilla... there's been a huge spike in shootings over the last year. Admittedly, a good chunk of those happened in Preston and other places where black people live. Hardly front page worthy. Call me when someone gets stabbed downtown.

But, at some point, there is likely to be another flurry of high-profile cases that leave residents questioning the safety of our streets and wondering whether more might be done.

Don’t expect help to arrive from the Guardian Angels. Next time, we’ll be on our own.

Wait, are we talking about the Guardian Angels or Batman? Because the ending here is clearly referencing Batman.

The worst thing about this column is it's based on utter fiction. Patrols once a week? Bullshit. I have never heard of a single person seeing an Angels patrol. For all we know there may have only been one patrol - the first one when Sliwa came to Halifax.

I was there for that walk, as was every other media outlet in the city except for the Chronicle Herald. The Herald chose to interview Sliwa afterwards and printed an untrue story about the Angels going to Uniacke Square (never happened, they stuck to downtown).

I'd bet there hasn't been a single Angels patrol since 2007. I'd bet they never once stepped foot in Uniacke Square. Somehow I think we'll survive without them because they were never actually here. You owe your readers an apology, Marilla. But most importantly, you owe Bruce Wark an apology.

Duffy just won't die

I just got back to Halifax after a two-week vacation in the American midwest only to discover an old nemesis of mine has arisen, zombie-like, back to the public sphere.

Mayor Peter Kelly, in his finite wisdom, had hired former Chronicle Herald columnist Peter Duffy as his speechwriter and community liaison.

Most people were up in arms that the mayor had hired a guy most famous for publicly claiming to be anally raped by a ghost. This must be what first-century Romans felt like as they watched Caligula appoint his horse to the senate. Though to be fair, the horse never claimed to be anally raped by a ghost.

But to be honest, the whole ghost rape thing doesn't bother me that much. While it's goofy and embarrassing, it's unlikely to affect his job performance (spectral sodomy falls under provincial jurisdiction.)

Pictured: Caspar the convicted sexual predator.

Instead why I'm angry is that one of the most out of touch mayors imaginable somehow hired someone even more out of touch to connect to the community. Halifax is a pretty liberal city and Duffy is a guy who dismissed gender reassignment as kids disgustingly mutilating themselves and doesn't like the idea of gay marriage (to be fair he doesn't oppose legalizing gay marriage, instead taking a do-unto-others approach. So at least Kelly is hiring progressive homophobes.)

The bottom line is that in a city swarming with interesting people and unemployed journalists who could use the reported $42,000-$70,000 salary, Kelly hired a guy who made a career of sitting in his cubicle watching Coronation Street and whining about gas prices.

Just to remind people how excrutiatingly bad Peter Duffy was as a folksy columnist I thought I'd reprint a critique I wrote last year of one of his columns. I'd normally say enjoy but in this case I think the proper word is endure:

Why I Hate Peter Duffy, or, How to be the Worst Writer Ever
December, 2007

Every few months I get overcome with masochistic urges and read a column by the Chronicle Herald's Peter Duffy. Today was one of those days.

In Canada it's illegal to rape or murder people, yet we allow Duffy to viciously torture the english language week after week. Every Duffy column is a clinic on what not to do in writing. I've decided to prove it. I present to you, exhibit A. (Bold writing his, italics mine.)

Bad news is all connected somehow
by Peter Duffy

The crisis besetting the world has taken on a life of its own.

The turmoil gets worse, hitting closer and closer to home with new shocks almost daily.

Witness the week’s events in Ottawa.

It’s the butterfly effect become real.

In that legend, the mere flap of a butterfly’s wings causes a chain reaction of conditions that ultimately spawn a tornado.

A butterfly’s wings!

Holy shit! A butterfly's wings? Really? That's so crazy. It's almost like it's a hypothetical example chosen specifically for its insignificance. I'm blown away!

But think about it; isn’t it how this all started?

Somewhere in Anytown, U.S.A., awash in a sea of easy credit, members of a low-income family allowed themselves to be talked into a mortgage on a home everyone, including them, knew they couldn’t afford at a rate impossible to sustain.

Yeah... sort of. Except the butterfly effect and chaos theory demonstrate how seemingly minor events can have unforseen reactions in complex systems. Billions of dollars of unrepayable debt is actually a pretty obvious link to trouble. You might as well call it the Tornado Machine Effect. Also, dude, that sentence doesn't even make any grammatical sense. The rate of one family buying a mortgage was impossible to sustain?

And sure enough. When the chickens came home to roost for them and millions of others, such economic and social chaos was loosed on the world that not even the sturdiest institution was safe, including governments.

Actually, Peter, there are many institutions that are safe, or recession-proof. And what do you mean by "even governments?" Obviously they're going to be involved in a recession. That's like saying, "I shot Bill in the face and afterwards no one's life was the same, not even Bill's."

It’s no stretch to say this week’s parliamentary meltdown in Ottawa is part of that butterfly’s legacy.

We’ve endured a week of constitutional upheaval, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Quebec almost left, back in 1995.

Now we find ourselves in legislative limbo with a government in hiding, thanks to the prime minister’s ill-conceived attempt to choke off public funding to political parties under the guise of economic restraint.

How come the only time you make sense is when you're parroting well-known opinions that have been uttered thousands of times in the last week? What's the point in telling us what we already know?

As if we needed more fear and stress in our lives at this point.

And somewhere over the horizon, those little wings continue to flutter.

God I hate you.

Eventually, normalcy will return.

Oh, sweet. Hey do me a favour and try to talk down to us a bit more.

But it’s likely to be a new normal, not least in Canadian politics.

Perfect, thanks.

Just consider the amazing developments we’ve witnessed this week.

The Liberals and the NDP announced not only could they govern jointly, but they’d be happy to do so for the foreseeable future.

And if that wasn’t surprising enough, here comes the Bloc, offering to prop them up.

Who would’ve supposed a party bent on destroying the country would step forward to ensure it stays together?

Yes, how shocking. Who would've thought a perennial opposition party would want to have the power to single-handedly uphold the government? Who wants that kind of influence anyway? Especially a party which, as described by you, has all the character depth of a Die Hard villain.

It’s opportunistic partisan politics, of course, but the mere fact the Liberals and NDP are willing to work together suggests their ideologies are not as far apart as one might suppose.

In fact, given ongoing voter disenchantment with both those parties, the idea of a permanent merger is not unrealistic.

I suspect it will come, encouraged by the blurring of centre-left lines and driven by economic realities.

Woah there, Mr. Cynical Pants. So you're basically predicting our entire political system turns into an American style Party A vs. Party B system (based on "economic realities," of course. As opposed to economic fictions like the crash in leprachaun stocks). Very controversial view. I look forward to hearing your reasoned arguments for this debatable position. Oh, we're done here? Just going to throw that out there and leave it at that? Ok, moving on.

And then there’s the Stephen Harper Party, formerly known as the Conservatives.

Zing!

After two minority governments, outcomes which speak volumes for the public’s reservations about this man, his days as leader must surely be numbered, especially now he’s been forced to run for the hills.

Actually it's very likely Harper will stay on because... You know what? Fuck it. Why bother? It's clear you subscribe to the russian roulette school of punditry. Just throw out something with no real insight and hope it sounds like you know what you're talking about. You are the Carrot Top of journalism.

Which leaves — the rest of us.

We, too, have a lot of rethinking to do in the wake of this parliamentary crisis.

Yearning for stability, we may decide a return to majority governments is the way to go.

Truly, it’s a good thing that butterfly doesn’t know its own strength.

Wait, what? The whole point of the column is that the world is going to hell but at least the goddamn butterfly doesn't feel guilty about it? Wouldn't it be a good thing if the butterfly knew it's strength so it could settle down and stop fucking up our shit?

That doesn't even make sense metaphorically. The people who bought subprime mortgages presumably get CNN or have some some access to reality. They know about the recession. I defy you to find any way that sentence makes a lick of sense.

Duffy's column also ends with an unrelated note that claims it's "ironic" that markets go up and down, thus demonstrating a Morisette-ian understanding of the English language.

Empty comments you don't even try to back up? Check.

Rhetorical flourish without any regard for factual accuracy? Check.

Basing your entire column on a metaphor you don't even understand? Check.

Simply stunning. Bravo, Peter Duffy. If words had feelings, your columns would be the Saw franchise.

The NDP Dilemma

At the end of the federal NDP convention in Halifax I got a chance to ask ("future Prime Minister") Jack Layton about what I was really wondering.

“Could it be that the best role for the NDP is a perennial opposition party that serves as an advocate for the left from the outside of government?”

The answer I got was vintage Jack - bold and eloquent while skipping over the real point.

“Some people might think that. But I think the best approach is the one that Tommy Douglas used, which was to take the ideals that we stand for and turn them into actual results for Canadians.”

To be fair, the NDP hasn't been bad at doing that. They hold more sway than ever in this era of minority governments, particularly if they hold the balance of power. During close elections other parties (Ok, the Liberals) will crib their promises to win leftist support and occasionally they can shame and shove their opponents into using some of their ideas.

But that's about it. Even under ideal circumsances they couldn't gain a full percentage point of the popular vote last election and once again finished fourth behind a party that doesn't even want to be in Canada.

It's very likely this is all the influence the NDP will ever have. That's not so bad when you look at the tons of failed parties over the years. But it looks like the dream of forming government is now hurting the NDP more than helping them.

The top ranks of the party really seem to want to move toward the centre and take a shot at contending. But at this weekend's convention there was no mistaking the lack of appetite for that amongst the party's grass roots. Even a modest centrist bill to reduce taxes for small businesses was left to the backburner, presumably because of a lack of support.

On the flip side, a motion to legalize marijuana also got scuttled away so far down the agenda it had no hope of surfacing. Legalization is an issue that makes sense in many ways, has tons of Canadians supporting it and would bring the NDP loads of publicity. It's too controversial for the Liberals or Tories to adopt but is it really too controversial for the fourth-place party? The delegates this weekend seemed to think so, which is crazy. The NDP is playing like they've got a ten-point lead when they should be throwing Hail Marys.

If I were an NDP member I'd be screaming for the party to make up its mind one way or the other - move to the centre and try to win, (still highly unlikely despite Darrell Dexter pulling it off) or be a true advocate of left wing ideas. You can't do both effectively.

Darrell Dexter: Second only to Rodney MacDonald
in leading the NDP to a majority government.

So for now the NDP will continue to tread water and scrounge to pick up a few more fractions of the popular vote.

I'd like to end off on some cheesy words of wisdom quote but can't think of one at the moment. So instead I'll quote something made up by me, just now: "Not winning isn't so bad if you're able to make the most of losing."

Or even better, this election night quote by Jack Layton I just made up: "I just lost to Stephane Dion and Stephen Harper? To hell with this, I'm gonna go get drunk."

The column that (may or may not have) got me fired as a columnist

Today is Friday and some of you may notice something is missing. About eight months ago my paper got me to start writing a weekly column called Urban Compass. Topics varied but it mostly involved me telling readers which direction was north. I really hated that name.

However the column has come to an end. I've been told by the higher ups in Toronto that from now on the only people who will now have access to my unbridled rants are those who happen to be within earshot, or I guess read this blog.

It all started a couple weeks back during pride week when I wrote a column on how to make Halifax more gay. Though the reader feedback was very pretty positive, I was told it was "too close to the line" and a couple days later informed I wouldn't be writing a column anymore.

However I was told it was because they don't want reporters writing columns because of conflict of interest concerns, not because of the gay column itself. So perhaps the timing was just a coincidence. Either way, this means all my loyal fans (Jill, Nancy) will no longer get their UC fix every Friday.

The column itself has been scrubbed from the website and I've had a few requests to actually see it, so I thought I'd post it here. Enjoy:



With its phallic lighthouses, fondness for sailors and propensity for dressing tugboats up as men, it’s safe to say Halifax is pretty gay.

But it could be gayer.

Despite all the progress being celebrated now during Pride Week, I still know some people who live in this comparably gay-friendly city that don’t want to come out of the closet.

No one should have to live a lie, so perhaps we should do more. There are enough boring straight cities in the world – I’m looking at you, Moncton – so why not make Halifax a real gay icon? Here are some suggestions:

More kilts – Wearing a kilt is the closest a guy can get to cross-dressing without people wondering if they should address him as madam. Why not get everyone in on the fun with special kilt-themed days months.

This works particularly well because it’s subversively gay. Just package it under the guise of Scottish culture and even the staunchest of conservatives will want to feel the breeze.

Downsides – windy days.

Kiss and make up – This one has the extra benefit of also helping to fix our divided political system. After every heated legislature session the leaders of all parties should have to hug it out.

Just imagine how all the anger and vitriol of politics would melt away when Premier Darrell Dexter buries his head into opposition leader Stephen McNeil’s shoulder (or midriff, the guy is like 100 feet tall.)

Note that this would actually be slightly straighter than normal at the moment because Tory interim leader Karen Casey is a female. But this is Nova Scotia so before long all three parties should be run by middle-aged white guys.

Downsides – tear stains expensive to dry clean.

Paint the bridges rainbow coloured – Impractical? Only to those who lack imagination.

Our bridges’ current colour schemes of patchy, camouflage green can at best be described as only somewhat gay. Imagine how famous the bridges would be if we made them icons of pride and unity.

Plus bridges are actually shaped like rainbows, so it’s really a no-brainer. Of course the names MacDonald and MacKay would have to be jazzed up. Perhaps something like Macsamesexmarriage Bridge, or simply The Cher Bridge

Possible downside – increased chance of unsuspecting foreign ships crash into bridge supports; confused leprechauns.

Remove the ‘l’ from the Clock Tower on Citadel Hill – because why not?

Downsides: none.

Here's to you, Mr. Medel

If you work in journalism it's only a matter of time before you have to write an embarrassingly cheesy story. As long as people keep building homeless shelters or finding new modes of transportation on which to cross the country for sick children it can't be helped.

CTV had a great example a couple months back when they did a story on some New Brunswick woman who went to Israel and took a picture of Jesus. Allegedly.

She shot some fountain and later discovered the photo came out with a bright halo-type blur in the foreground. Naturally she assumed the son of God was lurking around and chose to reveal himself via lens flair to a cheap Canon camera (which is silly. Everyone knows Jesus lurks around us revealing himself in high-pitched sounds only dogs can hear.)

I thought this was kind of cool because the same thing happened to me a few years earlier. It was St. Patrick's day I think. I took a picture of my friend Petra and later discovered she was partially obscured by a glowing, circular light. Like any rational person I realized that the wrist strap of my camera had flipped in front of the lens, caught the flash and reflected back. But had I known Petra and I could have gotten on TV by claiming Christ Almighty had come back to chill with us in lens flair form I definitely would have.

I think I deleted the original photo but here's a sort of similar example, it's really quite common.

From Left to Right: Heather White, wrist-strap Jesus, Myra Bloom

I know a lot of people are still mad at CTV anchor Steve Murphy since the whole Dion language-screwing incident, but on this day he possessed the acting chops of a chubbier Daniel Day-Lewis. Though this woman was stupid even by New Brunswick standards, he sat and nodded politely, even seeming genuinely interested.

Somewhere out there Stephane Dion was laughing maniacally (in french).

This week the bad story baton was handed to Chronicle Herald reporter Brian Medel, widely considered Southern Nova Scotia's Hemingway.

Tuesday's story by Medel (or whoever wrote it first. Medel is most well known for being a serial plagiarist who the Herald continues to employ despite laying off many of their best repoters a few months ago) was about a rural Nova Scotian guy who writes poetry about Sidney Crosby. Here's the lede:

"The 1970s produced Rhymin' Paul Simon.
The 21st century has Rhymin' Paul Blauvelt. He can't help it.
Watching Sidney Crosby stickhandle his way up and down the ice keeps this fan so captivated that he just has to express himself by writing poetry about it all."

Wow, kicking it off by calling the guy the Paul Simon of the whole 21st century. Simon of course being one of the greatest songwriters of all time and known for his beloved lyrics from the profound - "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenements halls and whispered in the sounds of silence" - to the whimsical - "Who am I to blow against the wind?"

So no pressure. Let's see some examples, courtesy of Medel. From Blauvelt's poem You're The Man, Sidney:

"This goes to show that hard work pays off if one holds on to their dream
It wasn't anything shot of amazing watching the penguins gel as a team."

And from an earlier poem:

"I think God looked down on Nova Scotia from His portals up in Heaven.
He said, 'I'm going to send them a superstar who will wear the number 87.'"

OK, not exactly 'angels in the architecture' level stuff here, but at least they rhyme and have almost the same number of syllables. Maybe we need to see a longer passage to get the full effect. Here's an excerpt from the story of Blauvelt's poem National Treasure, Provincial Gem:

"If he steers clear of injuries
He will only get better with age.
It's time we got some profile
On the national stage"

and

"We've produced other great players.
Please don't take this the wrong way,
But you don't come across players
Like Sidney Crosby every day."

Rhyming "players" with "players" eh? Bold choice. So why is this stuff in our Paper of Record instead of on some junior high kid's Myspace page? I guess it just goes to show how irrationaly in love people are with Sidney Crosby.

There was that story during the provincial election campaign where politicians removed their campaign signage from beneath a "Cole Harbour: Home of Sidney Crosby" sign because some irate wacko put up a "respect our hero!" sign.

Used to be you needed to do something vaguely brave or heroic or at least be a volunteer firefighter to be called a hero. Now playing hockey apparently qualifies you. The Herald isn't even trying to disguise their desperate yearning to french kiss Sid. They're busy pimping their 12-page souvinir edition of Crosby's Stanley Cup parade complete with a poster and online video wrap-up.

They're even handing out Mission Accomplished signs at the parade. Sure, ever since George Bush the term has become a symbol of over-confidence and hubris. Why not just hand out photoshopped pictures of Crosby swimming in the harbour with Peter Kelly? But whatevs, Sidney Crosby!!

Just another great day for the media. As for Brian Medel and Paul Blauvelt, let's end off with some advice from Paul Simon:

"Want to be a writer, don't know how or when? Find a quiet place, use a humble pen."