We live in a lawless toast society

I wasn't expecting to be enlightened when I picked up the new issue of MacLean's magazine. The cover story was on "the abortion debate we're afraid to have." I'd already escaped the womb and don't have one myself, so I didn't think it would affect me much.

But reading the story I realized something striking - Canada is in desperate need of new toast laws.

Now the story by Andrew Coyne - widely seen as Canada's Hemingway - doesn't specifically address toast. Coyne is more of a dead fetuses kind of guy. But he does go into the "extraordinary fact" that "this country still has no abortion law of any kind." Coyne concludes that "when it comes to abortion, we are literally a lawless society."

Fuck!

And it's not just abortion that's a lawless wasteland. It also applies to something I hold dear - delicious toast. I checked and nowhere in the criminal code is there any law permitting us to make or eat toast. That's right, friends, eating toast is not legal in Canada. Rather, it is, in the words of Coyne, "merely not unlawful."

In fact, all of our laws are too negative, only telling us what not to do. It's always "don't rape people," or "we'll arrest you for peeing in public." We need more laws telling us what we can do.

Where's the law saying "It is OK to heat bread until it is crispy and delicious, smear condiments on it and eat that motha"? It is time to shed light on this legal gray zone.

We, as a society, need to discuss this issue. While most would agree it's reasonable to toast white or whole wheat bread, some people toast everything from banana bread to rye bread. Rye bread! And I'm not coming down one way or another on the toaster/toaster oven issue. I'm just saying it's time we have that nation-wide debate.

Clearly we're afraid to talk about toast. Coyne explains we're afraid to debate abortion, and that's an issue you see insessantly on tv, print, radio and the internet. So if that's afraid, imagine how horrified we are of debating toast.

Also, there's more at stake. Coyne goes on and on about our lack of late-term abortion laws before admitting 99 per cent of abortions take place in the first 20 weeks. How many pieces of bread make it all the way to the burnt phase, only to be cruelly discarded in favour of some other snack. Without discussion, we may never know.

So thank you, Coyne and MacLean's, for reminding us that just because something's not illegal, that doesn't make it legal.

Accidental Genius: Jim Davis

Welcome to the first of our occasional feature, Accidental Genius. In it, we profile someone who is (or appears to be) completely inept and yet ends up creating great works of art in spite of themselves. If we're lucky, this blog will mirror that formula. Moving on:

Garfield sucks. Ninety-nine percent of the the comics fall into the one of four streams: Garfield loves food; Garfield hates Mondays; Garfield is an asshole; and Jon's life sucks.





Jim Davis started Garfield as a cute and quirky comic back in 1978. Yes, thirty years ago. How do you keep a comic about a cat fresh for thirty years? You don't. But when you're raking in millions of dollars you can't exactly stop. Instead a team of writers (or maybe a bingo machine) randomly arranges the same stale jokes on and on forever.

So Jim Davis is a sellout, right? Well, yes. But it seems subconsciously he's a genius. A guy named Dan Walsh made the ingenious move of taking Garfield out of the strip and leaving only his long-suffering owner Jon Arbuckle. The result, in the words of Walsh, is "an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life."









Now that's hilarious. The best part is, this is how the comic really should be read. Jon can't read Garfield's thoughts, only the reader can. So this is the "real" view of Jon Arbuckle. It also works when you take out Garfield's thought bubbles.

So what can we learn from this? Davis asks us to suspend our disbelief so we can revel in Garfield's smart-alecry. But the strip works far better when you keep your disbelief and see it from an unintended point of view. If he had tried to make Jon the centre of the strip this never would have worked. Sometimes the most interesting characters and storylines are the ones we tend to overlook. It's like how everyone loved Joey in Friends but no one watched the show based on him. Exactly like that.

So thank you, Jim Davis. By writing a stale comic strip for decades you've taught us all a lesson about challenging our perspectives.

Oh, and if anyone still doesn't believe Davis is an accidental genius, remember that this is the guy that once killed Garfield in a masterfully ambiguous series that forever tinged the character with a depth and sadness unseen in comic strips, and didn't realize it.

Re: Top Five Saddest songs

Man, how do you respond to someone who challenges you to a sad song contest and then includes "What a Wonderful World?" What, was "It's a Beautiful Day" taken? Anyway, here's my list of the top five saddest songs:

5) Leonard Cohen - Famous Blue Raincoat - Any list of sad songs needs to include something by Cohen. I had a tough time picking one but eventually settled on this tale of betrayal and sadness in a love triangle. When your friend sleeping with your lover is kind of a good thing because it makes her happier than you were able to make her, you know you're in a sad song.

4) Neil Young - One of These Days - There's just something about Young's singing "One of these days/ I'm going to sit down and write a long letter/ to all of the good friends I've known" that makes me weep like a toddler. Can't we all see ourselves later in life looking back on all the friends we've lost touch with along the way? This song is so great because it's not about dramatics like death and heartbreak. It's about eventuality.

3) Ben Folds Five - Brick - This song gets mad bonus points for combining Christmas and abortion. Yes, despite its sing-a-long chorus this tune tells the (apparently true) tale of Ben Folds' girlfriend having to get an abortion the day after Christmas back in high school. This song doesn't just make you sad, but makes you think confusing thoughts like "what if baby Jesus had been aborted?" Also, Brick was actually the song's second title, his first choice being "On the 13th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: a lifetime of emotional baggage."

2) Antony and the Johnsons - Hope There's Someone - Lead singer Antony Hegarty was gifted with one of the most heartbreaking voices ever bestowed on mankind. So when he starts singing about loneliness and a crippling fear of death, it's not even fair. The song leaves you begging for someone to take care of you in the afterlife, only to have a crushing piano solo shatter your dreams. For other uplifting A&J hits check out "River of Sorrow" about dead children, or "I Fell In Love With a Dead Boy" about... well it's not cheery.

1) The Pogues - Fairytale of New York - Continuing the theme of sadness and Christmas, this is the saddest song of all time. Why? Because the music is so deviously happy. It's one of the best songs ever written, with an incredibly uplifting chorus you can barely hold back from singing along to. Then you remember it's really about a lonely guy in the drunk tank on Christmas eve dreaming of his lost love; their new lives in America destroyed by liquor and drugs. Your body wants to celebrate, but your mind knows it's all a cruel, alcohol-fueled illusion. Merry Christmas.

Top Five Saddest Songs

Some people are half-glass full people. Others are half-glass empty people. Me? I more of a why-bother-drinking-the-water-at-all-when-people-are dying-each-day-from-lack-of-clean-drinking-water. Needless to say, I'm a bit of a bummer at dinner parties. My 21st century-depression is also heavily triggered by music. And so, inspired by the soon-to-come wextra over at Walrus Magazine, I have decided to challenge paul to a sad-off. One rule, though: no artist who only does depressing stuff. So, no Elliot Smith kindof sad.

"1913 Massacre"---Arlo Guthrie version off of Hobo's Lullaby
This song chokes me up every time. I have it on an old scratchy LP record that I picked up at the Salvation Army. The song, written by Woody Guthrie, tells the horrific true story of a Christmas party in the copper mining town of Calumet, Michigan. I'm good up until the line, "And the children that died there were seventy-three."

5) "We Shall Overcome"---Pete Seeger off Live at Carnegie Hall
I always liked this song, but it was my high school music teacher who made me realize how sad it was. The song always brought back memories of singing the song when he went to school in California in the1960s. They had so much hope. Now when I hear Pete Seeger lead the crowd, it reminds me how little all that change and hope did. ANd then I well up.

4) "It's a Motherfucker"---by Eels off Daisies of the Galaxy
Mr. E is a guy I can really identify with. In fact a few Eels songs made my shortlist. None of them could beat the line, "It's a motherfucker, being here without you"

3) "What a Wonderful World/Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
---Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
When I was in elementary school, my grade two teacher used to play these songs on a little record player. I always wondered how people could write such lovely things when everything around me had begun to seem so sad. Israel's version of the two songs with his uke "do, do, dooos" amplifies the sadness that I always heard.

2) "You are my Sunshine"---Jimmie Davis
This song epitomizes love for me. For all the joy love brings it makes you suffer twice as much. With it's upbeat tempo and simple rythm this song suckers you into believe it'll be a happy one, and then, "As I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken. And I hug my head and I cried." Pow! Right in the kisser.

1) "And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda"
---The Pogues off Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash
This is the only song I have never been able to get through without shedding a tear. I try and try, but I can't do it. Oh, cruel war! I'm a sucker for you every time.

Runner up: Harry Nilsson "Without You"---If you've ever seen Rules of Attraction you know why I picked this song. This song is the official theme song for suicide.

RE: Five things I hate about my cell phone

Unlike Paul I think my phone is pretty good. I’ve had it for a bit longer than two years. It’s some kind of Nokia. It’s coolest feature is the clear panel on the backside of the phone that allows you to personalize the back of your phone. I cut out a clip from the New York Times that reads, “police chief in Ka…uicide vest had com….15 pounds of high e…was studded with ball…shot th…crowd…e the slaughter,” and so on. The phone also records sound pretty well, which is why my ring tone has been the intro to MIA’s “Pull Up the People.”

But also, little miss Nokia pisses me off to no end. A pretty good cell phone is like finding out you only have prostate cancer. Sure it’s not pancreatic cancer, but it’s no bouquet of roses either.

And so, my top 5 reasons why I hate my cell phone.

5) Texting. Since my monthly income is at a dismal negative $200, I can’t really afford daytime minutes. As a result, I am forced to text, but it's impossible to write a text message without staring at your phone and looking like a mouth-breathing douche bag. And I hate myself for having to look like a dick.

4) Menu button. For some reason the menu button on my phone is in the middle of a small d-pad button. Yeah, that makes sense, let’s put this crucial button in the most unpressable spot. Every time I try to push menu (either to unlock my phone, send a message, view my call list, every other crucial function a phone can do) I either hit up, down, left, or right. This button is also impossible when drunk. Is it too much to ask for a drunkard friendly cell phone?

3) The hell that was switching my plan over from Nova Scotia to Ontario. I called Rogers, and a 50-year-old woman with a thick Eastern European accent was perplexed by question to change my number.Really? Becasue you’d think this was a question pops up regularly. That phone call concluded with telling me that such a switch was impossible without canceling my plan for a cool $200. Two trips to the local Rogers store and two more phone calls, I finally had a new number without costing me a cent. That is if you don’t count the five days I wasted dealing with them.

2) Broken/falling apart. The plastic faceplate has broken off, so now, my ear presses directly against the warm display screen, making any call unbearable. Beyond the frustrating warm display, the lack of faceplate means the corners and edges of the phone dig into my ear as well. At least Paul’s phone doesn’t hurt to use.

1) I can’t get a new one because it’d be some stupid high tech flip phone that’d make me feel like even more of jack ass, or it’d be some pile of shit like Paul’s. Rather than shit more money into a new cell phone I’m going to wait to see what the 21^st century has to offer. There’s gotta be something better than a cell phone, and one day it’ll be affordable for bums like you and me. Until then I’m stuck with my shit-tastic Nokia.

Five things I hate about my cell phone

I hate a lot of things: coconuts, things that taste like coconut, Subway commercials, emotional intimacy. But my relationship with my cell phone makes those things look as appealing as curling (I love curling.)

I once had a cool phone, but it broke. I didn't mind because it still kinda worked if I held it just so. But I was going on a trip to Boston and New York last fall and I figured I needed a reliable phone. I bought the cheapest one I could find (a Samsung A645). I figured I didn't need any fancy cameras or anything. How bad could a cheap phone be?

Turns out, astoundingly bad.

My phone, which I've affectionately dubbed "fuck you, you piece of shit," was designed to be awful on purpose. There's no other explanation for how one thing can be so flawed. Some examples:

5) Keypad designed by sadistic halfwits. Buttons have but one function: to be pressed. If you design a pressable button, you've succeeded. Apparently this was out of Samsung's grasp. The keys are so close together the human thumb can't possibly hit one without smacking three or four others in the process. Cruelly, the "correct" button is wedged next to Send, so if you misdial a number, be prepared to call that person whether you want to or not.

4) Inexplicably bad reception. Apparently one side of my living room is harder to get through to than the other side of my living room. I blame the couch.

3) Text messaging also designed by sadistic halfwits. Question: What do the symbols . - ' ! @ # % & * < > _ + = : " ( ) / and \ have in common? They're all used more commonly than the question mark according to my phone.

Yes, to type a simple message like "Sup?" you need to scroll through three screens of symbols to find the question mark. But if you're into triangle brackets you're in luck. Come on, Samsung, plus and equals signs? How lame are your friends if they're text messaging you math equations? That said, I suppose this does help explain Samsung's motto of "We're too busy making our buttons smaller to question our decisions."

2) Mysterious echo effect. I didn't even know about this for a long time until people started complaining about hating talking to me on my cell phone. Apparently when my voice is sent out it's given this strange Twighlight Zoney echo that's both creepy and "annoying as fuck." This is especially terrible because my phone was making an ass of me and I had no idea.

1) Won't shut the fuck up. I keep my phone on vibrate so as not to disturb people around me. I'd hate to have my phone go off in a theatre or lecture or something. Why - why?? - then would Samsung put a "make a bunch of noise" button and put it on the outside of the phone where it can be turned on by, oh I dunno, my goddamn leg?

I don't know what this button is actually supposed to do. All I know is every so often I'll hear this female voice pleading "say a command" coming from my jeans pocket. It then keeps repeating "say a command" over and over, no matter how loudly I command it to leave me alone and die.

Everyone hates the sound of other people's cell phones. To design a phone that is designed to yell out randomly without any way to stop it, Samsung and Telus are either evil or disturbingly inept. I honestly don't know which.

The moral of the story? If you try to be cheap, our capitalist society will punish you for it mercilessly.